The Canadian Football League; I assumed they only play games during the winter because, you know, it's Canada and what not, but here we are in the middle of July, and the CFL teams are four games into their season. Saturday nights shouldn't be boring. They're the night to go out and grab a drink with some friends; that is, unless all of your friends are in other cities or states. So there I was flipping channels, desperately trying to find something entertaining, when I saw there was football on. Maybe I'm just desperate for the NFL, or maybe I just wanted to give those loveable Canadians a chance, but either way I gambled and spent the next three hours watching the Montreal Alouettes take on the Calgary Stampeders.
Now I assumed that this league would be identical in every way to the NFL, aspiring to be them, but boy was I surprised. Let me break down a few of the major differences for you. It starts with the field. It is much wider than an NFL field and the end-zone is 20 yards deep. The field goal posts also sit prominently at the front of the end-zone, waiting to concuss any player daring enough to cross through the middle. Personally, I think the large end-zone is cool, but in a gimmicky kind of way. Teams also only get three downs to advance ten yards. That is....odd? It sure made drives end quicker, but whatever, we'll roll with it. Teams are allowed twelve players on the field, which makes the fans the thirteenth man? It just doesn't sound as good, does it? On offense the wide receivers are allowed to get running starts. It is hilarious. They are offsides EVERY play, but it doesn't get called. There was a single offsides called in this entire game, even though every wide receiver started in a full sprint on the other side of the ball. I guess defenses are really good so the offense needs an advantage? Nope. Not at all. Pretty mediocre defense on the whole. My personal favorite difference is the "flag" that all refs carry with them. Instead of a yellow, weighted flag like NFL refs carry, these refs are stuck with wonderfully orange towels that appear to be sham-wows. Someone had to buy all the sham-wows, and apparently it was the CFL. Honestly, the game turned out to be reasonably exciting....take a look:
First Quarter: I immediately looked for familiar names, hoping to see some failed NFL players converted semi-pro. Unfortunately, the only recognizable name was Jerrod Mayo. I was a quite disappointed not to see Terrell Owens hiding out on one of these teams, but oh well. The starting quarterback for the Alouettes is 41 years old. Needless to say he was not an agile man. The Alouettes have "under-achieved" to a 1-2 and start, so I assumed they ought to be favored. Right off the bat I noticed a receiver for the Alouettes who appeared to be surprisingly competent. His name is S.J. Green, and no, that is not a typo. Due to his clear superiority, and the fact that the s key is right next to the a key, I have to assume this is A.J. Green in disguise, hoping to burn some CFL defenders to build his confidence in the offseason. He's probably feelings awfully clever right now, but I'm onto him. Montreal struck first as Calgary elected to take a play off with the Alouettes on their two yard line. 7-0 MTL. We then got a look at Calgary's supposed stud RB, John Cornish. He was the leading rusher in the CFL last year, but got off to a slow start. After an acrobatic interception by the MTL D, their kicker hit a field goal and they led 10-0. Montreal's quarterback (the 41 year old), Anthony Calvillo, is apparently a sure fire hall of famer, and got off to a solid start. He threw a bomb TD to A.J. errr I mean S.J. Green to put the Alouettes up 17-0, extending his streak of games with a TD pass to 21. After one more TD by the Alouettes' MASSIVE RB, Jerome Messam, the quarter ended with Montreal up 24-0. S.J. had 103 yards and a TD in the first quarter. I have my eye on you "S.J."
Second Quarter: Calgary finally got a first down, and the crowd sarcastically applauded. I'm glad they understand humor in Calgary, even if they stink at football. Calgary then ran a play with THREE offensive linemen, and failed horribly. I do not know what they were expecting to happen, but it was entertaining. They then converted a clutch third and 1 to keep the drive alive. Calgary failed to score a "major" (that's what they often call touchdowns), but got on the board. 24-3 MTL. This was Calgary's kicker's 26th consecutive made field goal. He is chasing the record of 30 in a row. Montreal's offense began to slow down right as Calgary's began to heat up. Calgary struck again by tossing an 18 yard TD through the field goal posts 15 yards deep in the end-zone. It was....unusual. The only offsides penalty was called here, and it was on the defense, but it was reassuring to know it exists at all. 24-10 MTL. As the clock ticked down we hit the three minute warning. Wait, we hit the what? It's like the CFL wants to be just subtly different enough from the NFL that it doesn't seem like they're copying it. The Calgary kicker hit another field goal; this time a 41 yarder. His streak is now at 27, and this was the longest of the streak to date. I guess that's impressive? 24-13 MTL. Calgary then went on an impressive one minute drive to score another TD with two seconds remaining. They went for the two point conversion, but failed. 24-19 MTL at half.
Third Quarter: Montreal got the ball and quickly attempted a bold 3rd and 1 play, but failed miserably. That left Calgary with great field position. The Calgary kicker struck again, raising his streak to 28. 24-22 MTL. Montreal got the ball back, and after showing reasonable athleticism on a scrambling first down, their QB threw the ball directly to the other team. However, the defensive back dropped it. All around impressive play. After getting the ball back, the Calgary QB converted a bomb downfield after pump faking the hell out of a lineman, but got injured on the play anyway and had to be taken out. I was a little worried when I heard Calgary's third stringer was coming in, but he didn't disappoint. His first pass was a bounce pass to one of his receivers. It reminded me of a pass by Cam against the Seahawks last year, and that depressed me. I was excited for the mediocrity to continue, but this third stringer just had to prove himself to me. He proceeded to throw a TD pass to John "AP of Canada" Cornish. They failed another two point conversion, but Calgary went up 28-24. On the proceeding kickoff, the Montreal player broke loose and was well on his way to a TD when I lost my mind. A Calgary special teams man sprinted out of nowhere, punched the ball out of the guy's arm at the 11 yard line, and recovered it in the end-zone for a touchback. It was awesome. Am I enjoying this?? As Montreal continued to fall apart, Cornish continued heating up. After a "major" (they just love hockey in Canada, don't they) foul on Montreal, Calgary went for it on a third and 1 and converted for 20 yards. Cornish followed that up with another 20 yard gain. Then ANOTHER 20 yard run by Cornish, this time for a TD. I'm seriously considering drafting this guy with my first pick in the draft. Wow. For anyone keeping track at home, that's 35 unanswered points for Calgary. 35-24 Calgary.
Fourth Quarter: The fourth quarter began and Montreal finally found some offense. Their QB threw a beautiful TD pass, but it was taken away because another player set a pick for the receiver. He did seem suspiciously wide open. The kicker came out and drilled a 47 yarder. Am I supposed to be impressed by that in this league? Who knows. Another penalty negated the field goal, however, so Montreal got to fail to score a second time. The kicker then came back out and hit an unimpressive (this time I'm sure it's unimpressive) 26 yarder. 35-27 Calgary. I began to wonder where S.J. Green disappeared to. The only conclusion I could come to is that he discovered I'm onto him being A.J. Green in disguise, so he benched himself to stay out of trouble. As Montreal's frustration continued to build, the orange sham-wows continued to fly. Montreal amassed over 120 yards of penalties in the game. Calgary's kicker, meanwhile, nailed a 19 yarder to extend his streak to 29 games, one away from tying the record. As the clock began to wind down, the announcers began discussing how Montreal's QB, Calvillo, has almost every passing record in the CFL. Remember, he is 41. I'm almost certain this is actually Brett Favre. Somehow, he must have managed to play under this alias in the CFL for years without being noticed. Apparently every passing record in the NFL isn't enough. I can't wait for him to retire; then come out of retirement; then retire; then come out of retirement; and then retire for good to the delight of fans. With less than two minutes left on the clock, Calgary's kicker came out to attempt the record tying field goal. It was a completely manageable 34 yarder. Everything went smoothly: the snap, the hold. It just wasn't meant to be. A defenseman came flying in and blocked it. He blocked it. It still counts as an attempt and a miss. How miserable for that kicker.
In the end I felt like I was the kicker. I put in all the effort to not change the channel, but in the end I just failed to enjoy it. The commercials for the CFL boast "you need to see these guys play", but I'm afraid I beg to differ. I should've just watched some food porn on the Food Network.
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